Your partner is going to need you more than ever because she will be pouring all of herself, body, heart, mind and soul into keeping that little baby alive and meeting its needs for the first year at least of its life.

She will need you to pour your energy into her so she can maintain that flow to the baby.

Not every man is emotionally and constitutionally equipped to be a surrogate mother. You may want to be; you – or your partner – may assume that you are. But if you aren’t, don’t feel guilty. You can still be a full partner in taking care of the child. Be the gatekeeper. Take care of details with the outside world – she won’t have the time or the interest. Her energy and attention will be focussed on the baby. It’s hormones (especially if she’s breastfeeding), and it’s a good thing. Babies need that to thrive.

You may at times feel like you’re nothing but a sperm donor and breadwinner. Lots of men do. Our culture, as it reaches out to embrace new ways of being, doesn’t validate those roles as much as it used to.

But fathers are made, not by scattering the seed but by tending the crop. In the magical, transformative, liminal days of a new baby, a time like no other when our animal selves rule through hormones and the innate drive to perpetuate the species, take the time to revel in fatherhood. You can be Lord of the Cave. Stag protector of the herd. Defender of the pack. She will appreciate your fending off the telemarketers and keeping the car on the road, even if she is too tired or preoccupied to mention it or even realize it.

Especially if she is breastfeeding, if the baby doesn’t sleep well, if the baby is ill or has special needs, she will need you to be a full participant.

As one new father told me, your job at the beginning is simply “to keep everybody alive.”

You won’t be getting the energy and attention from her that you are used to. Better to accept that now. If you go looking for it elsewhere, you will squander the opportunity to grow as a person and to find new places within yourself – the pride of a parent, the sense of accomplishment from building a family and taking care of the nest. This is your opportunity to become a grown-up man.